I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
