I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
