Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
