My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
