it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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