mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
