the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
