U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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