god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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