I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
