the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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