When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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