I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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