Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
