Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize