I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
