he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
