if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
