Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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