You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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