oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
