absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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