do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
