theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
