When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
