Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
