I want to make a zoo with you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
