Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
