I have demons in me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize