Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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