the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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