i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
