I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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