I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
