I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
NoShamevember. You game?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
