dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize