he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
