she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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