WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
