This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
