You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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