Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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