If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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