youre lurking in front of me
smell my finger.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize