Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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