You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
