The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
