Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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