Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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