The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
