haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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