I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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