I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
