the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Terrible idea I love it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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