it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
