nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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