i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
