I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
