I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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