Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
