Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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