I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm always down for nudity.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize