Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
