I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
